Where is the old siewping?
Last time im more sporty go training wif my teammates, having fun playing badminton wif them..
More hyper and crazy when im with frens..
Now.
I rather be quiet...
How i wish i know a kind and rich guy who is so nice to bring me oversea and cheer me up... But obviously im just daydreaming...
*slap slap*
wake up siewping...
face the reality...
if u let me choose again..
i rather i dont wan to get into bgr in the first place...
though im desperate, bgr will only hurt ppl...
super super painful process but now regret all these are useless...
i could only be more clear minded when it comes to bgr next time...
even if no matter how hard i cry each time, its not enuf. my tears can just dry up easily but the pain jus wont get away...
only if i can overcome myself. stop hating u, having pingchangxin smile to u when talk... this is the day when i let down everything...

Siewping just accept the fact tat the world is cruel. Dont hope for ppl ard u to care for u. when u expect someone to show care n concern to u but they dont instead they show their care to someone who is besides u. Worst thing is someone tat is jus besides u, someone i know. so much care tat u show her is so obvious. Even me standing at one side, i could see clearly...
Interpreting from the way u chose to treat me, one thing i can only say is... to u, i dont deserve any care from u so u dont even need to bother abt me. Ya u can do wad u like. u dont have to force urself doing things u hate. if i ask for care n concern from u, its impossible, it like a HATE for u... if u care for me i tink i will win lottery like few millions...
Ya im quiet. no matter how i couldnt join in the convo. Is my own fault. In the end i got left out cos i zhi you zhi qu. it appears tat i didnt lose alot of things but in fact i lost alot. im no longer cheerful like last time and more. im trying not cos of my dead dead sian sian face to affect ur.. trying to smile n all if i can... if i affect the mood of ur i say Sorry! i didnt meant to be...
i dont get it. sometimes ppl mingming get alot of care from others yet they still dont feel satisfied.
Living in this world really very tired...
first time in my life i gotten such a huge blow in my 20th life from u...
ya im dependent. im NOT INDEPENDENT!
ya i must learn to accept all the sadness by myself when im dependent for the past 19years... hard to straightaway do so but i will try... even though my nature is very emotional i will still try!
FROM NOW ON I WILL LEARN TO BE LESS DEPENDENT n BRAVE IN DOING THINGS.
always let u jian ta me... if u feel tat u will feel happy jian ta-ing me jus continue...

U said u need time to really tune back normal. next time maybe u will be normal to me but not now. ok wadever. i shldnt bother so much now also. it will make me more terrible...

Wednesday
Ever since we graduated... the clique only left wif me, mel, deanna and zg who have frequent meet up as compared to the rest...
haix... i dont like the feeling of separation but wad to do.. its alway part of our life...
Having the intention of tanning until my skin turn char da.. haha
but the weather is so cloudy... so i didnt get tanned at all.. dissapointing...
Eat astons after tat...
Went pooling...
super long i didnt pool..
the last time i pool? really dont rmb...
So i had fun wif them...
Went to find weichiang after tat den go home...

Yesterday which was Saturday...
I worked morning and my eyecandy also...
sometimes i will turn over look at his counter den weichiang said if not u hide behind the wall den peek at him... -.-
den he demostrated how... haha
so he did this a few times whenever i say abt my eyecandy...

when i was doing nothing suddenly *Piang* i heard the sound of plate/bowl dropped on the floor...
weichiang was standing there cutting nougart i think so i ran over see wad happen and i purposely want to make him curious so tat i can say him Kaypoh...when i am also kaypoh-ing
*raising my neck*
I see nothing... at the same time i saw my eyecandy also kaypoh-ing lol..
jus when i said Kaypoh lei to weichiang my eyecandy turn back and look at me...
Aww~ den his face expression is like smile smile one...
really brighter up my day...
he looked at me, i errr awkward feeling... *blushing* :)

this few days walked over to lucky plaza have my lunch/dinner...
finally had the Chao Zhou Zha Jiao Mian... yummy...
last time i dont like to eat Fried fish slice bee hoon but now i love it...

Its 26thJune!!! Cant wait for my pay to come in and this time im going to do an atm card...
if i tell ppl i dont have atm card they confirm laugh at me...
even last time when i sell fragrance all my $$ go in my bank a/c tat is under my dad's name...
so this time i wont be so silly, i will open one a/c and earn lots of $ save lots of $
like this i will feel more secure when i go out...

I think my memory also getting poor... Deteriorating in process...
Tml SGH appointment... Argh!
can i dont go... when i tink of stepping in there again i totally sian diao...
Hate it!!!

I seriously dont know wads wrong wif my mom...
she quarrelled wif my dad ytd and im not bias but i still feel my dad not totally at fault...
and jus now she scolded me... and say some nonsense...
Hello... when u can cherish ur life can u jus cherish!
some ppl wish to survive but they couldnt...
i swear after i quit my current job i will soon go work for others...
i know u are very xinku... now i working but i dont earn alot...
i willl at least give u some $ and tat can shut ur mouth also...
i appreciate how much u invested on me since pri sch..
u let me tuition and tat make me have a quite smooth journey in my studies..
i never say i wont xiao shun u.... I WILL!!!

You said before we dont have topic to talk... so after tgth... you found out we are so different...
Different doesnt mean we cant talk like last time crap all these as a friend...
Seeing u having so much topic wif others but not me...
This reflected tat im just a stranger...
I agreed with this sentence...
To me, you are my bestfriend. BUT to u, im not...
i told u before u are my listener since last time and whenever i grumble to u, u will reply and show ur care...
but now...
wadever things regarding abt me... i told u.. u jus ignore dont bother to reply me..
this shows wad...
u are showing me tat oh u jus read wad i sent u and den u dont have to care abt wad i say abt me...
ya.. its not ur business of cos u wont wan to care...
i told u before... dont draw ur line too clear until tat u dont even show fren care...
and u said ya i know... u sure u know anot...dont seems like...
when our mutual fren post anything in fb u will comment...
since when u will comment mine...
do u have to be like this...
and tat day u said u are sure last time during schooling we seldom msg...
but i tell u, schooling usually msn... if not wkend i will msg u...
and tat time when i am having handfootmouth i also msg u quite alot...
u still say we seldom msg...
u know u have poor memory...
are u sure u never rmb wrongly...
when we tgth i msged u alot but other than tat lei...
in the clique i contact u the most...
i know im not ur bestfriend...
no matter how much i do for u, care for u, how much we been thru, i will never be ur bestfriend...
only her, who u like, u treat her as ur bestfriend..
u are jus bias...
now im not bringing out the things when we are tgth but when we last time as gd fren.. and now...
Is u ended it.. ok... nvm.. i shld be the one who got hurt most...
but i still request again n again telling u tat i hope u dont treat me so cold..
telling u can u not hurt me anymore...
i jus wish u can like last time crap joke...
ya something happened tat can cause changes...
but like i said before...
our friendship is so fragile?
jus becos of tat thing u change ur attitude towards me...
u become more frustrated to me..
when we are gd fren...
u never fierce me. NOW! u fierce me.. u dont fierce others but me...
is it fair for me anot...
did i do anything wrong tat u have to fierce me now...
unless when the day i find tat u really tune back, if not i will still bother abt how u treat me...
everyone know tat friend , to u, they are important..
u show tat u cherish them..
but since when u cherish and appreciate me..
if u do, now, u will treat me even nice as good friend...
i told someone before...
even if i die, u also wont bother...
die jiu die lor... right...
i could only conclude one thing...
im always 1sided and bu yao lian..

Like this song
你把我灌醉 －陈洁仪

喔爱让我变得看不开
喔爱让我自找伤害
你把我灌醉你让我流泪
扛下了所有罪我拼命挽回
你把我灌醉你让我心碎
爱得收不回

credit from http://mp3.sogou.com/lyric.so?query=%C4%E3%B0%D1%CE%D2%B9%E0%D7%ED%20%B3%C2%BD%E0%D2%C7&lyricId=7cf5e18326791f45&w=02009900&dr=1

Also thank you Dad!
wkend most likely u will send me to work...
Most of the time im afternoon shift so when u free, u will come fetch me when i knock off at 930pm...
i can see u very anxious abt me especially after knowing from the doctor...
u ask me to eat well.. eat more meat ... dont this n that dont wan eat...
I will takecare of myself... dont worry...

I want to talk to my eye candy but i dont have the courage... haha
Anyway today and tml OFF...
Jio weichiang n liy out for Kkkk cos i dont want to stay at home if not my mind will went haywire...
Sorry to wake u up LEOWWEICHIANG!
Thanks for giving me face to come haha cos u last night sang and u today sing again...

Went to my medi apptment last fri...
Doctor said i have low red blood cell and abit low zinc..
Iron deficiency aneamia..
so she prescribed iron pill n vitamin to me...
i still need to go back again n again..
really sickening and troublesome...
I really dont want step into hospital again but still...
sounds not very serious rite aneamia but my tongue still the same...
so got to find out wads the cause of it...

A kind soul helped u say good word abt u...
Saying maybe u jus dont know how to react and im not a shit in ur life...
i seriously dont know wad u thinking...
Keep saying is U the problem and not me...
I dont know u r really guilty or jus happily living out there...
I see u living so happily now.. when u told me u couldnt totally treat nothing happen but i see ur life now... u are living well n happily dont seem like u still couldnt forget the past...
Hoping u dont hurt me more but u said u couldnt do well perhaps becos of some barrier...
My heart dont know broke into how many pieces by u...
U happy...
I just having a very NAIVE thinking... thought tat u said u feel guilty and thought becos of it u will treat me better as fren but .. u are unable to talk to me caringly and still cold...
i really dont ask for much...But for u i think u feel tat im asking too much...
I jus hope u can say caring word sometimes when i msg u... but like i said, ur reply r jus like for the sake of replying me... ya im glad u tried replying all my msg...Maybe u jus need really sometimes for u to cool down and talk to me normally... as long u talk to me normally i wont dig out the past... u tink its fun for me to keep saying those things meh... im also very sick n tired of it... last time tgth i already feel very tired jus tat u initiated to end first before i say...
I told u i wont say all these to u again in sms but i still can blog it. u dont like u dont read...
At least writting down make me feel better...
U are someone tat affect my mood the most...
its super terrible when im actually sad but still i need to wear the smile on my face smiling to customer when serving them...it made me feel even more emotionally tired...Sometimes i really try very hard not to think if not this wont help me forgetting the past..
I give u time to tune back...
But can u jus promise me u will tune back normal but jus a matter of time?

I think my 2 eyecandy only work morning shift? so weird... never see them work afternoon shift before...
Yesterday 1 of them which is the one beside beside my counter haha...
he wore black shirt.. usually he wears white long sleeve...
he looks more handsome in black.. haha

Im feeling very terrible... really hate this feeling...
Ya i shouldnt demand more from u... I shld be glad tat u did reply my msg...
but its always i ask what u answer what...
its like i dont know how to describe the feeling u give me... ya rather cold i can say cos u dont ask me much also...
Do u have to do until so cruel...
Give me such a shitty ending already very hateful...
Why cant u jus treat me like tat time when u trying to mibu me when u happen to know i sad n cried cos of ur...
U happy la hor... Made someone into this state cos of u...
HAPPY LA!
If u got ren xing, u will treat me better than last time...
but u dont...
As wad i mentioned in my previous post, we wont get back to normal if we dont contact be it sms or wad... we will become more stranger... its true tat we must let nature take its course but sometimes jus a random chitchat also nice wad...
Why there's such a person like u...
When tgth already cant give me the secure i wan..
now... jus some intiative to care abt me also cant?
Can u jus for the sake of me..Help me...
I dont want to feel so terrible anymore...
U just have to sometimes text me random talk wif me...
talk to me nicely can le...
is it too difficult?
not like i ask u to cut ur fresh out...
jus a small request...